A quick, two-week long guide on moving from the midwest to NYC
For your listening pleasure while reading: Welcome To New York.
It’s been two weeks since I graduated, packed up my life and moved away from cornfields to the Big Apple. The drive was 10 hours of highway and my parents asking me if I changed my mind every 10 minutes – you can picture this ride, I’m sure – and the move was full of stairs, sweat and tears (which my mother was able to hold off until the very end.)
On my first day of work I had a random woman call me a “fat-ass stalker girl” and was 40 minutes early to my job. As you can tell, NYC and Muncie are very different. So naturally, I have had to make some adaptations.
Gone are the days when getting to work or the bars were a mere 15 minute walk instead of a 35 minute train ride. I’ve traded the gracious staircase I had into the basement of my college house for the five flights up to my apartment with no elevator. Things like Wal-Mart and McDonald’s runs are now picking up a few things from the market and grabbing brunch on Saturday mornings. What, I never said the forced adaptations were a bad thing.
Things are different here, from living to working to going out to making friends to dating/seeing guys walk by me. However, these first two weeks have been a whirlwind and – I believe – a time when I will have learned and experienced the most in my time here. So here is a quick run down of the dos and donts, the live or dies, the things I have learned thus far and hope to learn as I build my life here as I become a New Yorker.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED:
About travel…
“Uptown” and “Downtown” signs look incredibly similar when you’re in a rush and trying not to look like a tourist. Check twice before walking down an entire flights of stairs. Especially if you plan to trip going up them when you realize your mistake.
Dozens and dozens of people can fit into a subway car. Think you’re uncomfortably close? Think you can’t be any more crushed? Think again, ten more people are getting on at the next stop. Suck in, pop in the headphones and get over it.
Construction is the worst thing to happen since the cancellation of SlimeTime Live. Sometimes subways don’t run to where you need and sometimes they run express and most of the time they are late — plan accordingly, people.
Take an umbrella. It’s not raining? It’s supposed to be sunny for the next 5 years? I don’t care, take an umbrella.
About food…
Brunch is mandatory. Hungover? Exhausted? Not wanting to be in the sun? Too bad. It’s bottomless mimosas and french toast bites for you on Saturdays or Sundays between 10am and 2pm.
The word “Deli” now means gas station, sandwiches, breakfast, convenience store and mini mart all in one. There is one of these on every block, not to be confused with the hot dog stands and pizza places on every corner.
Seamless will deliver any food to your doorstep for free. Did you hear me? DELIVERY IS FREE. On things from burgers to Chinese to salads to coffee to ice cream. I don’t think there needs to be any more explanation here.
Don’t ask for “none of this” or “that on the side” because if you could have it that way it would be listed on the menu that way. And if you plan on splitting the check, ask early. Or just don’t ask.
THINGS I HOPE TO LEARN:
About living…
How and where to express trains start and stop? I’m tired of taking local trains.
Where are all the famous parts of Central Park? I found the sailboat pond and the famous fountain but can someone draw me a freaking map (that doesn’t cost $4)?
Why are the drinks so expensive? WHY ARE THE DRINKS SO EXPENSIVE?
Where is the entire cast of Gossip Girl? I mean I know I don’t live on the Upper East Side but shouldn’t I have seen Nate walking around Columbia by now, or Dan on his way to NYU? I was right around the corner from the Empire the other day and didn’t even see Chuck OR Blair. So what is going on?
About dating…
There are a 8.4 million people living in this city, 800 people working in my office, and hundreds of people I see on the trains and streets – HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO ONE GUY? Is there such a thing as too many options.
What kinds of surgeries do I need to get in order to look like these NYC girls? It’s like there’s something in the water. And whatever that something is makes you a size 4 and have long, beautiful hair — so I’ll take a large glass of some with my mimosa, please.
Exactly what are my odds of my getting a boyfriend? For every hot guy that walks onto the train, four beautiful girls walk on after him. I need to know exactly what my chances are of beating out those girls – physically or metaphorically.
Do these dating apps work? I have Someone I know has downloaded 2 or 3 new dating apps and the number of guys and matches are infinite. I come from the land of “I had anthropology with him my freshman year,” or “He’s from my high school,” so can someone tell me how to translate “Hey!” into a date? Or a real conversation? Or something that doesn’t make me sound like a midwestern stalker?
OTHER GENERAL QUESTIONS:
Why does finding an apartment have to be so difficult?
How does one become a Michael Jackson impersonator? How do you get the street cred?
Why hasn’t anyone asked me on a date after locking eyes on the subway?
When do I get to attend my first black tie event?
Exactly when am I meeting my 4-5 closest friends? I’ve been looking for apartments above a “Central Perk” or “MacLaren’s” lately but I’m not just going to run into my group without some help from a Monica or a Lily. And who am I supposed to grow old and cry with in about 9 seasons of our lives. WHO?
Could I be more lucky to live in this city? I don’t think so. I’m so excited to be here and experiencing all of these ridiculous things. So far I have fallen in love with my job, had bottomless mimosas at brunch, made my first great friend in the city, spent the afternoon in the park, gone to a gay bar, visited and been annoyed in Times Square and seen two arguments on the subway. If this was just the second week, I can’t wait to see where I go over the next few months.
This post was originally published on June 7, 2015.