The art of the spiral

A timeless guide for the experienced overthinker, an intermediate stresser, or a newly-minted worrier.

Step 1: Choose your fighter

Let’s start with something easy: choosing what to spiral about! You have a couple of options.

Option a) Choose something that matters to you. Really matters. It should rule the entire world you live in, whether that world is real life or made up or half and half. It should be the foundation of what you believe and how you function each day. It’s the reason you get out of bed. The reason you open your eyes, before you even convince yourself to get out of bed. Got it? Good, don’t lose it. Like I said, choose something that matters, really matters. This something should really be something to you.

Note: Of course, be careful not to fall into the “healthy” trap of introspection on why this thing matters. It can be tempting to further evaluate this thing — asking questions like why do I care so much, what aspects of this thing do I actually value, do I really care about this or is it just something taking up space so something else doesn’t have to. In order for this to work you have to ignore all of that deep secondary work and remain, instead, on the primary surface.

Option b) Choose something that means nothing to you. I mean nothing at all, less than nothing even. The smallest blip on your smallest radar, on the radar that doesn’t even get real screening time on your brain’s sonar. It can be one thing you heard one time. Ten really small things that have joined forces to create a super something you can’t stop thinking about, or one really big thing that’s stuck in both the center and on the outskirts of your brain. Do you have it? Perfect. This should be the thing you think is nothing and (no matter the outcome) will be entirely useless in the grand scheme of your life.

Step 2: Play it all out

No matter the option you went with, it’s time to start imagining the best and worst case scenarios. This is a three-part step where using your imagination is key! Even if you think you don’t have an imagination anymore as corporate adulthood has stripped you of it, I assure you it’s nestled away somewhere — and this is going to bring it out in perhaps the least fun exercise of all time.

Part a) Best case scenarios can be challenging to come up with. These are the things you picture your mom or your best friend or your coworker or your therapist saying to you when you tell them what you’re spiraling about. And so, you picture all of the solutions you can think of. You’re smart (you might even be an overthinker naturally), so I bet you have a list. A list of “if everything goes right” or even “if a handful of things go right” then here are the ways I can find myself out of this spiral and move forward. Amazing! Look at the incredibly positive and successful little pretend life you just created. Job well done on making it! I know it’s incredibly hard to do, but I’m thrilled to tell you that the hardest part of Step 2 is behind you.

Note: Not that you’d ever be brave enough to verbalize these issues to your mom or your best friend or your coworker or your therapist. You know, for fear of them laughing in your face for worrying about something so simple to solve, or laughing in your face for being so stupid that you waited so long to address it. Or, god forbid, they help get you out of the spiral and problem solve and then you’re left on the other side of the chaos with, well, who knows what’s over on that side. Not that you’d ever ask for their help or support because this spiral, this life, even, is a one-person show spiral, not some sort of team spiral event with jerseys.

Part b) Worst case scenarios are the easiest part of a spiral. This is where your anxiety and your self criticism and your internalized doubt and whatever little voice you’ve had nagging you for the entirety of your life — they each really get to shine. Think about every molecule of what could go wrong, and don’t leave a single one out! Bring out the scenarios you never thought you could think of because they are too dark and too destructive. The break-glass-in-case-of-emergency worst case scenarios, those come out too. The ones that could ruin your life, your relationships, your future, your hope. Wow! Look at that, another pretend future you’ve created! One where you’re even more miserable than you are in the midst of this spiral. Don’t be afraid to keep this tab open in the window of your brain and add to it as potential scenarios come up. No worst case scenario is worst-case enough, I assure you.

Note: Try and ignore the parts of you that may know how strong and resilient and smart you are. Make sure to shut them up the moment they start to try and claw their way to the surface of your mind. Banish the facets of you who have spiraled before and survived, ignore the part of you that is trying to help and is looking for escape routes along the path of chaos the other part of you is laying. Those ambitious and strong parts don’t want to spiral, so you have to keep them safely at bay.

Part c) Yes, a third part! Don’t forget to double back and doubt all of those best-cases you worked so hard to create. This is a vital step to the spiral. Because while some may just see this exercise as a pro/con list, you — the incredible overthinker that you are — know this is more of a defense building exercise than anything else. Line by line, go back through the best case scenarios you built, and respond to each point with exactly why that’s a silly recommendation that will never work. It always helps to bolster each best-case with two worst-cases, just to be on the safe side. Preparing for everything makes you more guarded, more harsh, more defensive. Like an armor-clad king in a dragon-defended castle, ensuring no one makes it in or out alive. It’s important to make sure you’re covered on every edge of the spiral.

Step 3: Start the descent

Alright! The time is here! Come on down, it’s not as hard as it looks. Take one small step over the edge and — here we go. Now you’re off. Don’t let your mind wander anywhere else, whether it’s wandering somewhere super important or is incredibly useless. Focus only on the spiral! No other thoughts or ideas allowed on this one. See, once you start downwards it gets easier and easier to go faster and faster. It’s a lot of twists and turns, I know. And you know! Because, ya know, you made all those twists and turns yourself (incredible design work, by the way!). It’s what all the hard work scenario planning and scenario crushing was for, after all.

Note: No notes here, actually. Spirals are meant to be unique and tailored to your own worst nightmares. That’s what keeps you all alone in it and unable to reason with any outside source — the spiral is yours! I would never venture to tell you how to start your spiral, only advise on how to draw it out far longer than necessary or desired.

The best part about starting the spiral is that you never have to think about anything else ever again. This is your brain’s new full time job so congrats on the gig! Sleeping or waking, still or moving, at home or somewhere special. This spiral is now the biggest and highest value thing you own and, simultaneously, more compact and pointless than anything you’ve ever purchased. It’s travel-friendly, thankfully, so no need to worry about whether or not it will come with you wherever you go.

Step 4: Drag people in and keep them out

Yes, you read that correctly. You have to drag people into your spiral and then also keep them out of it. Pick someone close to you, physically or emotionally. They should know you well enough to recognize that something’s off and they should probably check in.

They may want to reach out and offer to help (that’s the dragging them in part). As soon as they do, immediately if not sooner, tell them you’re fine (that’s the keeping them out part). Tell them they wouldn’t understand, maybe even convince yourself that they really wouldn’t understand. After some pressing from them, tell them about the spiral (that’s the dragging them in part), but keep it light and brief (that’s the keeping them out part). Not too many details, not too much mess. Describe the spiral in a way that would be easy for them to solve in one or two sentences. It should sound more like a fun playground choice that’s been inspected, and less like a death trap from a traveling fair.

Note: The trick here, of course, is that a nearly surefire way out of a spiral is getting help from someone outside — especially from someone outside uniquely qualified to help, who is fluent in you. Unfortunately, if you want to remain on the spiral track, your someone can’t help. Not because they don’t want to or don’t know how or aren’t sure what you need. I think you’d actually be surprised at what the people around you know you need! But because you won’t let them. Make sure no matter how much your natural instincts kick in and try to get you on the right track, you ignore them and remain in a pretty little swirly silo all your own.

After all, this someone doesn’t appreciate a good spiral like you do! They don’t do a good spiral like you do. Not as well as you do, anyway. Even if they say they have, they haven’t. Ignore them, where they’re standing with their hand outstretched. That’s the perfect sign that you’ve dragged them in and kept them out, maintaining your single-player spiral (like I said, no jerseys).

Step 5: Repetition repetition repetition

Go back to Step 1 and really ground yourself in what you’re spiraling about. Try and reason with yourself, talking yourself back up the spiral inch by inch, only to fall down an entire yard in the process. Choose a new topic this time, or switch to that original other option you put in second place, or, hey, mix and match them at once. There’s no limit to the number of somethings — relevant, useless or otherwise.

Note: See Step 3 and repeat, as necessary.

Step 6: Disassociate entirely

Now this one feels different, so hang with me.

In a slow trickle that will suddenly feel like a waterfall, you’ll snap to. You’ll wake up. Your open eyes will open — even if only for a moment — and you’ll maybe get to see the spiral from a different perspective. From the top, before your next trip down. From the bottom, wondering how long you were in there before being able to stand up. From the side, standing next to it and comparing yourself in size and stature and gravitas. And with this new perspective comes time to forget your spiral entirely.

Note: I know! After you just did all that work! All that scenario planning! All that flip flopping and repetition! Don’t worry, it will not go unused. I promise you all of the detailed nightmarish work you did will come back and have all been worth it (worth it for the sake of the spiral, that is).

Completely erase the spiral from your mind. Act like it didn’t ever exist, like you’ve never worried about anything a day in your life, like you have every answer to every question ever asked. Take a moment to fill this newly emptied space with something else, whatever you feel like — joking, writing, eating, shopping. What spiral? Spiral, who? Never heard of her.

Step 7: Rapid descent

Some people call this whiplash or backsliding or reverting.

Note: I just call it a part of the process!

After enough disassociation, your brain will ricochet back to the spiral. It may feel quick, violent even. Well what did you expect, after depriving your brain of all that work for so long? Here we go again, as they (Abba) say.

Step 8: Micro-dosing the spiral

This is the one that lasts the longest, if you play your cards right. This is the part where you continue to try and live your normal life, have normal conversations with your normal friends and family and eat normal foods and do normal stuff. Days become the normal picture of what has always been framed and hanging in your brain when you think about your normal life.

Note: The word normal is going to be really important to keep using here. It helps to establish your “before” and “after” the spiral. Because, as you know, the spiral is actually now your new normal. You don’t have a life outside of it, you don’t have a potential life ahead of it, it’s hard to remember the life you had without it. The spiral is now normal, for you. So when thinking about the life you have to keep living in the meantime, “normal” is the perfect word to signal to your brain that you were once normal and are now not. A sneaky personal attack, positioned simply as a timeframe.

The spiral is there, in your normal life, hanging next to the normal picture. It lingers in every conversation you have that reminds you of your spiral. It shows up when you’re doing something that doesn’t at all remind you of your spiral. Any new scenarios you create (related topics or entirely new ones) have a foundation of your spiral underneath, and are lightly dusted with your spiral on top. You micro-dose your spiral — this way, you never lose all of that early step work you did, and, instead, get to keep it close, anywhere and everywhere you go.