A list of one-liners I used on dating apps that didn’t get a response

In case you didn’t know, dating apps are ruining my entire generation. Well, to be fair, there are a lot of things bringing down my generation – selfie sticks, the need to go viral, anything related to Donald Trump – but dating apps are definitely climbing their way to the #1 killer of millennials’ social lives.

They take away our need to get out in the world and meet new people, and instead let us date directly from our couches, 24/7. While I wish I could say I’ve risen above it all, I have quickly fallen into the dating app trap. (And by trap, I mean the swirling vortex where you create a profile and let strangers judge you based on your photos and three lines in an “about me” section.)

As background, here is a rundown of dating apps that I use / have used that seem to be the most popular:

Tinder
You swipe left or right, if you both swipe right, then it’s a match. This is essentially a hook-up app now, but I have heard of random cases when people meet loves of their lives on Tinder and I’m not some sap who’s going to miss out on love just because I run into a few creepy 45-year-old men pretending to be 25.

Bumble
You match with a guy and the girl HAS to send the message first, otherwise the match disappears in 24 hours. It was created by a woman my hero, who finds it’s dumb that guys always have to make the first move (a mantra I tend to live by). The selection of guys is of a little higher quality, because it’s a lesser known app, so it’s currently at the top of my user list.

Coffee Meets Bagel
You answer a million questions about yourself and then the app provides you with one match a day that is supposedly tailored to your interests. This app is a load of crap because all I get are engineers whose profile pictures are them drawn in anime: NOT MY TYPE, OK?

Hinge
Any matches you might get are connected through friends of friends on Facebook. It’s like the seven degrees of Kevin Bacon but with your Facebook friends (read: way less glamorous). My roommate and her boyfriend of a year met on this app, so of course I tried it.

Happn
The app tracks your location and movement pattern, then gives you swiping options who are taking the same routes (to work, to school, to home) as you. The goal here is to make the “missed connection” that you pass everyday and never say hello to. This is the creepiest app on the planet.

Grouper
You swipe on guys and get matches, normal. You then can choose a time and date to go out with one of these matches, but you cannot see which match it is and don’t have the option to chat them first. Additionally, they bring along two friends and you bring along two friends (hence, GROUPer) and you all meet at a designated location, chosen by the app. My friends, Jen and Shanice, and I got ditched on one of these dates once, but that’s a story for another time.

In terms of use, most people do what I call a “Swipe & Sit,” meaning they are swiping to see what kinds of matches they get and just sitting on the match, not messaging anyone. They’re in it for the confidence boost, to know that other people think they are attractive, something we all like to have once in a while. I totally get it. The dating app culture norm has also become that guys typically send messages and then girls don’t ever respond.

This is not a practice I am familiar with.

I tend to be what people call “bold” or “crazy” when it comes to dating apps. I live in a city of 8 million people, so my mindset is, “What do I have to lose by messaging these guys?” Well, turns out I have nothing to lose but time and some of my best writing.

Here is a selection of opening one-liners I have used (with their bios, for context) that got zero response from the guys I matched with on various dating apps in the past year:

*In addition to the below, I do throw in the occasional “Hey, whats up!” or “Hi, [NAME]!” for a balanced outreach.

Bio: I invented the piano key necktie
- Me: “What an impressive invention, sir.”
Bio: I would rather go for a walk than sit at a bar
- Me: “A walk over a bar, how refreshing”
Bio: I really love guacamole
- Me: “I can’t lie…. I do not share guacamole.”
Bio: [This guy was holding a baby tiger in one of his pictures]
- Me: “So, do you hang out with baby tigers often?”
Bio: Tier 4 professional soccer player, I love sports and intellectual conversations. I love seeing other people passionate about things as well. I love adventure, music/singing, and a good sense of humor
- Me: “So, you sing?”
Bio: 23. Work in Sales. Tech StartUps. Tattoos. Gym. Hip-hop only.
- Me: “How strict is this hip-hop only rule?”
Bio: [This guy was wearing a big medal in one of his pictures]
- Me: “Talk to me about the medal you’re wearing.”
Bio: Good vibes only.
- Me: “Talk Bumble to me [bee emoji]”
Bio: Back in the 90s I was in a very famous TV show….
- Me: “Which 90s TV show?”
Bio: [This guy had a super thick mustache in one of his pictures]
- Me: “So how real is the mustache?”
Bio: Southern gentleman in the big apple. TN–>NYC
- Me: “So do you have an accent?”
Bio: [This guy had a picture of a baby in one of his pictures]
- Me: “So is that your baby or a really cute niece or nephew?”
Bio: Sup
- Me: “Sup”
Bio: [This guy had a picture of a puppy in one of his pictures]
- Me: “Let’s talk about that puppy”
Bio: [This guy went to Indiana University]
- Me: “Well hello, Hoosier”
Bio: My top 3 most watched movies are Shawshank Redemption, Mean Girls & Despicable Me. Craft beer, live music and brunch are some of my favorite things.
- Me: “Favorite Mean Girls quote, go!”
Bio: [This guy was holding a giant turtle in one of his pictures]
- Me: “So what’s with the giant turtle?”